i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
