I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the room spins SO much faster in panama
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
