My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
