Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
