I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
