I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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