i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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