I love black thongs
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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