Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The best revenge is premature balding
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
