it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
