you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
