all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
