Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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