I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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