The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
