Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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