And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
