A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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