A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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