I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
