i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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