FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
