recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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