Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
