I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
