I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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