My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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