Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
