Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
