Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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