You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i drank out of a bidet.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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