man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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