I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
