I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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