i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
