I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
