I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
