One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
