Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
