can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
