Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
