just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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