and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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