We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
