I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
