Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
