Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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