the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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