We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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