I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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