the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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