mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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